Notes with the Cullens!
by be my valentine
Summary: What happens when my friends and I are hyper at one in the morning pretending to be Twilight characters? Read to find out! From Emmett walking in on Carlisle and Esme to Alice, Bella, and Jasper having a three way, this stuff is hillarious and crazy!
1. Poor Jasper

I know the Characters are OOC. But my friends and I were hyper at one o'clock in the morning….. Just enjoy!

I DON'T KNOW TWILIGHT!

* * *

Bella - Regular

_Alice - Italic_

**Jasper - Bold**

Hi guys!!

_Weeee! I'm a –_

**Why are we doing this?**

Because…..um…… It took Alice's mind off of shopping.

_Hey! Bella! Wanna come with me to come get some lacey stuff….for you…. Yeah you're coming with me. Jasper, help me get her out of the house and I will…. well, you know…._

**Sorry Bella….**

NO! Dammit! Fight it Jasper, fight it!

_JASPER! If you help Bella escape you're not gettin' any for 7 centuries!_

**Alice, are you trying to kill me?**

-whimpers- Now I miss Edward more. -angst-

_Yes Jasper, I am trying to kill you… OF COURSE I'M NOT TRYING TO KILL YOU! And why do you miss him more after what I just said…._

**I beg to differ darling.**

I WANNA SCREW MY EDDIE-POO!

…_.I don't wanna know this about my brother and my best friend…._

**Ugh. At least you don't have to FEEL it.**

OMG! You guys wanna have a four-way?

_OMG! OMG! EW!!...SURE!!_

**NO! Alice…..No.**

Aww! Jazzy! Don't you wanna see me naked?

_Awwie…come on Jazzy. You know you really WANT to. Everyone wants to experiment._

**No and No.**

-gives off lust- Muahahah!

_-sends great lust- -puppy pouts- Please Jasper….._

**-shakes- No….stop! ARE YOU GIRLS TRYING TO KILL ME!?**

Yup! -gives off more lust- Forget Edward, let's go now!

Bella grabbed both Alice and Jasper by the collar and pulled them to there bedroom. Jasper falls to the floor. "Must…fight….it…"

"Too late!" Bella squealed, and screwed Jasper and Alice.


	2. A day in the bedroom

I know the Characters are OOC. But my friends and I were hyper at one o'clock in the morning….. Just enjoy!

I DON"T OWN TWILIGHT!

_Esme – Italic_

**Carlisle – Bold**

_Oh Carlisle!_

**Hello, darling. Can I ask why we are writing notes like the children?**

_It looked like fun! Anyway, I need some help…_

…**.With?**

_Well… I don't feel so good, and I need the help of a STRONG, SEXY, doctor…_

**Doctor Carlisle Cullen at your service!**

_Well doctor, I think there's a problem with some of my "junk."_

**Oh?**

_Mmhmm, and I need a doctor's expertise to make it feel better…_

**Oh I think I have JUST the thing…**

_-takes top off- and what is that?_

**Well, first you'll need to remove ALL of your clothes…**

_-takes off pants and underwear- what now Doctor?_

**Well…-rips off shirt-**

_-Growls- I think I know what to do…_

**Time for the patient to show the doctor a few things……**

Emmett then walked through the door. "Hey Mom, have you-" looks up "Oh my God!"

"Oh Hi son," Carlisle murmured.

"He-he. Hi Emmett…" Esme put her arms across her chest.

Emmett then suddenly grabbed the note from Carlisle's hands.

"Emmett, NO!" Carlisle yelled.

"EWW! YOU GUYS ARE SICK! SICK!!"

"It's better than what you watch on the net!" Esme exclaimed.

"Uh, well, THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!!" Emmett fumbled.

"Ha! I don't think Rose knows…" Carlisle laughed.

"Carlisle, did I ever tell you that you are the BEST vampire daddy in the whole wide world?"

"Carlisle, remember me, your wife, who just finished fixing a Emmett shaped hole in the wall!"

Emmett smiled. "I love you mommy."

"Oh Rosalie…" Esme called.

"NO!" Rosalie walked into the room. "ROSE IT'S A LIE! IT'S ALL A LIE!"

"Emmett watches Porn!" Carlisle tattled.

Rosalie gritted her teeth and growled at Emmett.

"Come on Emmett. Drags Emmett by ear out of the room NO SEX!

Jasper starts shouting from another room. "So THAT'S where Alice got that horrid idea from!"


	3. her hips are dislocated!

For the record, Bella is human.

I know the Characters are OOC. But my friends and I were hyper at one o'clock in the morning….. Just enjoy!

I DON'T OWN TWLIGHT!

_Edward – Italic_

**Bella – Bold**

_Like this Bella?_

**-moans- HARDER!**

_Are you sure?_

**DO IT EDWARD!**

_Okay, here it goes…_

**Ooooh! Faster now!**

_I'm going, I'm going. I'm not hurting you am I?_

**For Pete's sake Edward! HARDER! Do you understand? FASTER!**

_I don't want to hurt you!_

**You won't! -Baby voice- Pawease? For me?**

_Alright, Alright. How does this feel?_

**-Moans- Oh Edward! I think you can push even a little harder…**

_Mmm… How's this?_

**Ooh! Edward! Did I ever tell you how much I LOVE you?**

_Only a few times…_

**I do! So much! In fact…**

Emmett suddenly barges in the room.

"Jeez Eddie-poo! Let her relocate her hips!!"

"What are you talking about Emmett? I'm just giving her a foot massage…."

* * *

Scary as this sounds, This was based of off my parents. My mom was massaging dad's feet, and well, it didn't sound good…..


	4. What are they talking about?

I know the Characters are OOC. But my friends and I were hyper at one o'clock in the morning….. Just enjoy!

I DON'T OWN TWLIGHT!

* * *

_Alice – Italic_

**Bella – Bold**

Emmett - Regular

_Hey Now!_

**I just wanna live!**

_Hold on…_

**I don't wanna be in love!**

_Teenagers…_

**WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE!**

_Hello! Goodbye…._

**Famous Last Words…**

_We've come so far._

**You and me,**

_In pieces,_

**4ever!**

_GET STONED!_

**When you're gone!**

_HALLELUJAH! _

**You found me!**

_But in the end…_

**I kissed a girl and I liked it!**

Emmett reads the note and grabs a pen.

Wtf?

_**EMMETT! YOU RUINED THE GAME!!**_

Sorry…

* * *

Ahahhaha! All of those things we're either a name of a song or a line from it! Aren't we talented?


	5. Humpbacks

I know the Characters are OOC. Me and my friends were hyper when we wrote these...

I DON'T OWN TWLIGHT!!

_Emmett - Italics_

**Bella - Bold**

**HI EMMETT!!**

_HI BELLA!!_

**The sky looks extra purpley today, doesn't it?**

_Um... Yeah..._

**BIBBIDY BOBBIDY BOO!**

_... Bella, are you okay?_

**YESH! You know how I had that icky poop-head cold?**

_Yeah, and Carlisle told you to take two cold pills..._

**I did take two... two times four...**

_Oh dear God..._

**Your writing to God? TELL HIM I SAY HI!**

_... Hey did you know Edward had a sex change last week?_

**And he didn't tell me? He is a bad, bad, Eddie-poo.**

_Very bad Eddie poo... ahahah... So did you tell him about that positive pregnancy test you took yesterday?_

**SHH! Emmett!! I want it to be a surprise!**

_Okay... Did you tell him about your cocaine addiction?_

**YES! I told him at the tea party, remember?**

_The one when Toucan Sam raped Santa's elves?_

**Yup!**

_Uh huh... How is Santa after that incident, anyway?_

**He was a little upset, but then me and the Easter bunny convinced him to go to a therapy... he has an alcohol problem.**

_I thought Santa drank milk._

**Suuuuuuuuuuuure. "Milk"**

_Okay... Have you gone to Carlisle to get your vajayjay checked like I told you to?_

**No! You go first!**

_I did! It's perfectly, er, healthy..._

**Did you tell him about your little herpes problem?**

_That's in my mouth, remember?_

**Oh yeah... from Jasper. I remember now!**

_Let's get off my STD problem... Look out the window Bella. What do you see?_

**Oh... my... God... HUMPBACK WHALE!!**

_Yep! Right next to the statue of Liberty!_

**Aww. Emmett! You didn't have to get me the Statue of Liberty for my birthday!**

_It's February... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELLA!_

**WHOO! So wait, that means I'm...**

_49! Woo! You're almost middle aged!_

**YAY MID-LIFE CRISIS!!**

_Whoo!_

Edward then returned from his hunting trip and walked into the room, finding Bella extremely hyper.

"What the Hell did you do to my wife Emmett?!"

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!"

Bella then walks over to Edward and hugs him. "Don't worry Eddie-poo, theres only a humpback whale in the front yard."

* * *

Ahahha. Specialness...

REVIEW!


	6. Just one of those days

Alright, sorry for not updating soon

**Alright, sorry for not updating soon. We like, forgot about this. But, here's a new one! This is set before Breaking Dawn……**

Bella- Regular

_Emmett- ITALICS!_

Charlie- Underlined

**Enjoy and REVIEW!**

EMMETT! You're a frickin retard!

_I've been told that a lot…..but why this time?_

Because…. You are! DAMMIT! WHY ARE YOU SO BIG AND MUSCULAR!?

_Uh…..sorry?_

JESUS EMMETT! I HATE YOU! YOU ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING!

_What did I do?_

YOU WERE BORN!

_Technically I'm dead….._

THAT DOESN'T MATTER! YOU WERE STILL BORN! GO UN-BORN YOURSELF!

_Um…_

GOD! Why are you staring at me like that?! –Bursts into tears-

_Uh… sorry –tries to comfort-_

DON'T TOUCH ME!

_-Moves away-_

What?! You don't want to be near me?! I HATE YOU EMMETT MCARTY CULLEN!

…_.I'm so lost_

Why don't you go hang out with your slut of a wife!

…_That's not very nice. She may be a slut, but she's MY slut!_

Why can't I be your slut?! Oh, it's because I'm fat isn't it?! I KNEW IT!

…_.Bella, are you okay?_

NO! I am NOT okay! You are big, muscular, ALIVE, and I'm FAT!

_Yeah…..when's Edward coming back?_

NEVER! Because I'm FAT!! –Emo sob-

_Okay….there's REALLY something wrong with you today…._

Wrong? WRONG!? There is nothing 'WRONG' with ME! It's all YOUR fault! I HATE YOU!

…_.I love you too Bella_

I WISH THAT BEAR HAD MAULED YOU COMPLETELY!

_..Bella….why would you say that?_

I would say that because YOU SUCK!

_Ok, I TRIED to be nice and put up with your crap, but you're going too far Bella!_

Bring it on tough guy! I can take a pipsqueak like you!

_Have you looked in a mirror?_

No! BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME FAT!!

_I never- _

SHUT UP! I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOUR ANNOYING VOICE!

_-Deep breath- I'll be right back…….._

AND WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!?

…_Out._

GOD EMMETT! WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ANYTHING ANYMORE!?

**5 minutes later…**

_I'm back_

Dude?! Where we're you!? –Phone rings- hold on….

"Hello?"

"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN!! Why did I find a POSITIVE PRENANCY TEST in your sock drawer?!"

"You found a what?!" –Turns and glares at Emmett-

"YOU COME HOME THIS INSTANT!" –Hangs up phone-

YOU PUT A PREGNANCY TEST IN MY SOCK DRAWER?!

_Not JUST a pregnancy test, a POSITIVE pregnancy test!_

Where the Hell did you get a 'positive' pregnancy test?!

_Found it in some girls trash can. Why?_

EW! One, that's DISGUSTING! And two, I CAN'T be pregnant!

_And why not?_

I'M ON MY PERIOD YOU JACKASS!

_Ah, that explains a lot._

Screw you!

_Uh, well, I gotta go, have fun explaining that to your dad. BYE! –Runs away-_

-Cries- Why does everything happen to ME!?


	7. Cake with your mom?

**Alright! Sorry for the wait! Schools been rough lately.... **

**Thanks to Hanhula for yelling at us for more....**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Bella, **_Alice_

**Cake**

_What about cake?_

**Cake**

…_What about cake?_

**Cake**

_WHAT ABOUT CAKE?!_

**I like cake**

_That's nice._

**Know what we should do?**

_Nope…._

**We should give everyone in the world a piece of cake!**

_You would solve world hunger!_

**But I would also be contributing to world obesity…**

_You can't be obese and starving…_

**Yes you can!**

_?_

**Obese people get hungry too!!**

_Er, okay?_

**Emmett is obese!**

_Um, no, he's not._

**But he's HUGE!!**

_But it's muscle._

**But he's HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!**

_Alright Bella…_

**Your mom!**

_Your mom's mom._

**Your mom's mom's mom.**

_Your mom's mom's mom's hairdresser's mom._

**Your mom's hairdresser's mom late aunt's (God bless her soul) mom!**

_Your mom's mom's hairdresser's mom late aunt's (God bless her soul) mom's mom!_

**Your mom's mom's hairdresser's mom late aunt's (God bless her soul) mom's mom's mom!**

_Alright, I'm tired of bashing people's moms._

**Awww, you're a party pooper!!**

_So, since I'm a party pooper, I guess that makes you sad. Right?_

**I guess…**

_Then I will cheer you up! SHOPPING!!!_

**What?! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!**

_-glomps Bella-_


End file.
